SCENE 1, INT. COFFEE SHOP
ANGUS, an old curmudgeon is sitting at a table. We can only see his face. His phone rings and he answers.
We hear the deep voice of JEB coming across the line. It is so deep, it sounds as if his real voice is being filtered.
JEB V.O
Mr. Jacoby, you are needed back at the bureau. It’s urgent.
ANGUS
I’m getting too old for this job.
Angus hangs up the phone and dramatically stamps the notary book with an old timey Notary stamper.
Freeze Frame on Angus. Enter a James Bond style musical sting and opener graphic saying “Defenders of the Notary Public.
We reveal that Angus has been sitting across from his CLIENT, a bored looking millennial.
CLIENT
Cool, so is that it?
ANGUS
No, actually I’m gonna need your thumbprint right there.
Angus gestures to a spot in the book.
Client gives his thumbprint
ANGUS CONT’D
...and then mine right next to it…
Angus gives his thumbprint.
ANGUS CONT’D
...And now just 8 more signatures to go and you’re right on schedule for tomorrow’s followup. And be sure to bring both forms of ID next time, or everything we just did is considered void.
SCENE 2, INT, “JEB’S OFFICE: THE NOTARY BUREAU”
Angus sits next to TODD, a young man in a leather jacket and cop sunglasses. They both sit across a dark wood desk from Jeb, a man dressed as a member of the CIA. Jeb still speaks in an unnaturally low-pitched 40s radio voice. Jeb spins around in a very large, intimidating armchair. Behind him is a sign that reads “Notary Bureau.”
JEB
Alright boys, here’s the skinny. Either of you ever heard of Seamus Private Enterprising? Well, their in-house notary, Sheila Hansen, just got arrested for insider stamping.
ANGUS
I knew that girl was trouble, even back in the Academy, always going on and on about making notaries “more accessible.” Pshh, we’ve always been inconvenient, why should that change now?
JEB
Yes, well they’ve asked us to send over a replacement. Naturally, my first instinct was to send you, Todd, but then I thought that Angus might get along quite nicely with the senior hiring agent, Mr. Punchler, so I’m going to send you both, and let him choose. Good luck.
TODD
I’m all over it, Boss, text me the address.
Todd exits.
ANGUS
Come on Jeb, you don’t really expect me to work with that joker who came up with that notary cell phone thingamabob.
JEB
Ah Yes “Notarize it.” That app is the only reason anyone here still gets clients under the age of 60. Trust me, Angus, you want this job. Notaries at Seamus make a fortune, minimum wage!
ANGUS
Dagnabbit! So if I want to earn the highest salary of any notary in the history of notaries, I have to work with a millennial?
JEB
That’s right Angus! Now get on out there and show that kid what an old-stamper like you can do!
Angus rolls his eyes and exits.
SCENE 3, EXT, THE ROAD ON TODD’S MOTORCYCLE
Todd is driving a motorcycle recklessly down the road, with Angus in the passenger seat. They are shouting, to be heard over traffic sounds and speed sounds. Angus is reading a paper map.
ANGUS
Slow down! I’m trying to read!
TODD
Nope.
ANGUS
You were supposed to get off there.
TODD
Not according to Waze!
Todd speeds up and Angus grumbles something about maps.
TODD
What?!
ANGUS
MAPS!
Angus’ map blows away in the wind.
SCENE 3, INT, PRISON
Angus and Todd walk into a prison lobby. Todd looks cool while Angus holds his back in pain. They are greeted by MR PUNCHLER, the eccentric, German, second-in-command of Seamus Private Enterprising. Punchler speaks in a thick German accent, and is wearing a red cape.
ANGUS
Mr. Punchler, I presume?
Angus extends his hand to shake Punchler’s. Punchler looks disgusted at Angus’ hand and pushes it away.
PUNCHLER
Come in, gentlemen. You have been debriefed on our situation?
ANGUS
Yes, but that doesn’t explain why we had to drive 45 MINUTES to a prison with NO BATHROOM BREAKS!
PUNCHLER
Well I don’t know about the bathroom, but you know our accountant, Sheila Hansen, the one who was arrested for insider stamping?
Angus and Todd nod.
PUNCHLER
Well, we haven’t been able to fire her because no one has been able to notarize her termination papers.
Punchler pulls out some termination papers. Todd reaches out to grab them.
PUNCHLER CONT’D
Ah ah ah. Not so fast. I haven’t chosen which one of you I want yet. I need to be sure you’ll get the job done to Mr. Seamus’s satisfaction. Gentlemen, if you will. STAMP THIS FORM!
Punchler pulls out two forms and holds them out in front of Todd and Angus. Angus takes the form and pulls out an enormous old-timey stamper. He puts the form and the stamper on a nearby table, wipes off the stamper, aligns the paper, and with great difficulty, stamps the form. Todd takes out his phone and scans the form while it is still in Punchler’s hand. Todd finishes before Angus. Punchler looks amazed. He checks the time on Todd’s phone.
PUNCHLER
Oh schnitzel! Is that the time? I’m late for lunch with an associate. Both of you go on in. Sheila’s waiting for you.
He contemplates Todd’s speed with the form as he exits. Todd and Angus walk into the prison to meet SHEILA HANSEN, who is handcuffed to a table. Angus puts his giant notary thumbprint book on the table. Todd puts his phone on top of the book. Angus gives Todd a death stare.
TODD
I’m not gonna wait three hours to get this done. We’re using “Notarize it.”
ANGUS
Over my dead body. If you want something done right . . .
TODD
God, you are so old! Can you just loosen up?
ANGUS
I’ll loosen my cane on your backside!
SHIELA
GUYS!
Todd and Angus shut up and look at Sheila.
SHIELA CONT’D
I’m not giving you my thumbprint.
ANGUS
Why?
SHIELA
It would be an admission of guilt.
Sheila leans in and whispers.
SHIELA
I was framed.
Todd and Angus lean in to listen.
SHIELA CONT’D
A few days before I was arrested, I was staying late, and I overheard Punchler telling some guy (imitating Punchler) “She’ll take the fall and we will get off scot-free.” (In normal voice) They set me up.
TODD
So you think Punchler was involved with insider stamping?
SHIELA
Exactly, he set me up. You’ve gotta help me find a way out of here! I’m worried his plan isn’t over yet.
ANGUS
Look, Missy, I have heard it all before. But I am one down payment away from a condo in Boca. I’m not gonna let either of you mess it up.
Angus pushes the thumbprint book across the table and holds up a spray bottle of alcohol.
ANGUS CONT’D
Now gimme your hand.
SHIELA
No!
Angus tries to gram Sheila’s hand and she dodges it.
TODD
Oh knock it off, you dried up ink pad! Come with me, I have an idea.
Angus groans and mutters about being wiser and better.
Todd and Angus exit. They leave the prison and walk on the street.
SCENE 4 EXT. STREET, DAY
TODD
Punchler said he was going to lunch with (in a German accent) “an associate.” I’ll bet whoever he’s with knows all about this. If we find out where he’s having lunch, we can talk to the (in German accent) “associate” and find out how they framed Sheila.
ANGUS
How will we find out where he’s having lunch?
TODD
Oh, we don’t need to.
ANGUS
Oh, and why is that, smart guy?
TODD
He’s right there, at the... (lowers his sunglasses dramatically) TGI Fridays.
There is an intense musical sting as Todd points at Punchler. He is sitting at an outdoor table with FBI GUY, a tall man in a suit. Angus squints and can’t see him.
ANGUS
Where? I can’t see anything.
Todd hands Angus his glasses. Angus puts them on and looks again. This time he sees Punchler and the musical sting plays again. The two run over to listen to the conversation.
CUTAWAY, TGI FRIDAYS, DAY
PUNCHLER
(In American accent)
I’ve got him right where I want him.
FBI GUY
(In really deep, augmented voice)
And he has no idea you’re FBI?
PUNCHLER
He doesn’t suspect a thing. Especially now that I put Sheila behind bars.
FBI GUY
Good. You’ll make the play tomorrow. Use those notaries you brought in. He’ll never see it coming. It’s time to close this case, soldier.
CUTBACK: ANGUS AND TODD
TODD
An FBI agent put an innocent woman in jail?
ANGUS
He is a defender of our country, I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.
TODD
You don’t just get to arrest anyone you want because you're a “defender of our country.”
CUTAWAY: TGI FRIDAYS
PUNCHLER
Did you hear something?
Punchler gets up and walks over to Angus and Todd. He grabs them and pins them against a wall. A waiter walks past, concerned. In a German accent.
PUNCHLER
How much of that did you hear?
TODD
Enough to know you’re FBI. What’s going on, man?
PUNCHLER
You must swear not to tell anyone.
He extends his pinky. The three pinky swear.
PUNCHLER CONT’D
It wasn’t Sheila who was insider stamping, it was... Mr. Seamus.
Angus and Todd gasp.
ANGUS/TODD
The CEO of Seamus Private Enterprising?
CUTAWAY: INT, OFFICE OF SEAMUS PRIVATE ENTERPRISING
Sheila is sneakily notarizes a sheet with a warrant printed on it.
PUNCHLER V.O
That’s right. I was his fixer, and I needed him to trust me. Sheila notarized my search warrant to investigate him, but since she got arrested…
CUTBACK TO: EXT.SIDEWALK CONTINUED
ANGUS
...The warrant was voided.
PUNCHLER
So now I have to hire a new notary just to finish the job, but our notaries get paid so much, I can’t just hire any old slob.
TODD
So then why did you arrest her if she’s so hard to replace?
PUNCHLER
Frankly, she was the worst: always getting inky fingerprints all over the walls. We’ve repainted six times since she started working for us… two months ago!
ANGUS
Those fingerprints are a badge of honor.
Punchler rolls his eyes.
PUNCHLER CONT’D
I was already gonna fire her, but since I work for the company, I’m only allowed to use our in-house notary.
TODD
That’s why no one else could notarize her termination papers.
PUNCHLER
So, I brought you two inky bozos in, and I assume you got the job done?
ANGUS (TO TODD)
I told you we should have just done it!
TODD
She was innocent!
ANGUS
So was my niece when my dog bit her dad’s tire and popped it, but she still took the fall.
TODD
Why!?
PUNCHLER
ENOUGH! I’m going to get Sheila out, just as soon as I can get Mr. Seamus in.
Punchler’s phone rings. He grunts in response to the call. He hangs up.
PUNCHLER CONT’D
Sheila's dead.
TODD
WHAT?!
PUNCHLER
A tall, low-talking janitor with a mustache bludgeoned her to death with an old-timey notary stamper.
ANGUS
How many times have I heard that story?
TODD
It must’ve been Mr. Seamus!
ANGUS
Don’t be ridiculous, Mr. Seamus isn’t a janitor.
Todd gives Angus an incredulous look and focuses his attention back to Punchler.
TODD
And why would a CEO use a notary stamper.
ANGUS
It is clear that this janitor has exquisite taste.
TODD
He’s a murderer! AND HE’S NOT A REAL JANITOR!
PUNCHLER
SHUT UP! You two go back to the prison, find out everything you can. I’ll round up... The Capes.
ANGUS
The Capes?
Punchler runs back to TGI Fridays, his cape whipping in the wind, while Todd runs and Angus hobbles back toward the prison.
5 SCENE EXT. PRISON, DAY
They see a man who meets the description of the killer from the back. He’s sitting on a bench, wiping his hands. The entire lower half of his face is covered by an enormous mustache.
TODD
That’s him!
They run toward presumably MR SEAMUS, chasing him down an alley. Seamus drops his stamper as he turns into the alley.
Angus still clutching his giant thumbprint book. Mr. Seamus pulls out a gun and shoots Angus multiple times, causing him to fall to the floor.
Todd screams and tries to catch Angus, but just misses him and instead falls as well.
When Todd hits the ground, he grabs the stamper that Seamus dropped. He looks at it and hurls it at Seamus with a mighty battle cry.
It hits Seamus in the back as he’s running, knocking him down cold. Todd looks at Angus, fearing the worst. Angus sits up, holding his giant book, now ridden with bullet holes. He had used it as a shield.
Todd smiles, relieved.
ANGUS
Goddammit! And I just buffed the cover!
Angus and Todd stand up walk to Seamus who is writhing on the ground in pain. Angus flips him over and rips off Seamus’ enormous fake mustache. It’s Jeb.
ANGUS/TODD
JEB?!
ANGUS
You destroyed my book you little…
He punches him in the face repeatedly. Todd pulls him off.
ANGUS
I’m getting too old for this.
BEAT.
TODD
You’re Mr. Seamus?
JEB
Aww, man! How did you two idiots catch me? I was so close.
TODD
We’re notaries, inconveniencing people is what we do.
Todd notices that Angus is holding his hip in pain and tries to help him to his feet.
Jeb seizes the opportunity to run away, but is stopped on both sides by Punchler, the FBI Guy, and a bunch of other people wearing matching, black capes. They are all holding up guns and have FBI badges.
Todd and Angus walk over to Jeb who has put his hands up. He holds up his phone.
CAPE MEN
(Together, in a military-style chant.)
CAPES!
Angus, Todd, and Jeb are taken aback by the cape men. They snap out of it.
ANGUS
Would you like to do the honors?
Todd nods, proudly, and pulls out his phone.
TODD
I’m gonna need your thumbprint right here on this confession…
Todd looks at his phone, which has died.
TODD CONT’D
Oh crap. It’s dead.
ANGUS
Don’t worry kid.
Angus lugs the giant thumbprint book over to Jeb. The cover is covered with bullet holes, but because it is so thick the inside is fine.
ANGUS
I got this. Jebidiah Seamus, please present me with two forms of up to date identification. This can be a driver’s license, a passport, bank statements, just as long as it has RealID.
Jeb reluctantly pulls out some papers and hands them to Todd. Todd snatches them up and examines them.
TODD
Looks good. Now raise your right hand.
Todd picks up the alcohol spray bottle and sprays Jeb’s hand. Angus puts his thumb in ink.
ANGUS
Now just press your thumb down here, here, and here.
Angus presses Jeb’s thumb down in an ink pad and then three times in the book.
TODD
(To Punchler)
We got him. Old school.
Angus and Todd smile, give a thumbs up. Their thumbs covered in ink, freeze frame.
END
