Addressing Captain Swifiohehe,

Their moon was easy prey. No outposts, no guards. Pretty much no surveillance in sight. There’s no resources detectable at any concentric layer that we can see. Still, this will make a good base of operations. Their satellites are not a reliable source of observation, so they’ll be none the wiser. But please, Captain, send supplies: we are running a little low. You may think I am exaggerating, but we must be cautious, and prepare ourselves with more than necessary. You can never be too careful.

All in all, everything is going smoothly, and I will report back to you soon.

Sincerely, your associate,

Gjeitojeito

Addressing Captain Swifiohehe,

Sorry, I forgot to add something! I just needed to ask about Ypirw, my peowjifi. I know, they’re expensive to keep around, and they are a bit of a nuisance, but Ypirw is usually quite well behaved. You see, I left him with my cleaner, but I’m not sure if I left enough things for the two of them. The letter about my selection for your programme came quite suddenly! So if you could be so kind as to send someone to check up on them, that would be desirable. It’s funny how useless I am at taking care of such things! At least I have others to count on for that.

Anyway, I won’t hold you up: you must be very busy. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely, your associate,

Gjeitojeito

Addressing Captain Swifiohehe,

Reiterating from last night’s discussion; it’s a good plan, a great plan! I’ve given the disguise a good test, and it seems to be in order! I’m prepping the launch pod as we speak. I’m sure you’re aware about how bad space litter is, but let me tell you, it is a pandemic out in these parts! If a crowd of rocks don’t rattle on my cabin roof like some mock alarm clock, they do it during my breakfast! Really, we must do something about that! But more importantly, we must take care of this place. The pod will be ready in a couple hours, so I’ll report my progress later.

Sincerely, your associate,

Gjeitojeito

Captain Swifiohehe,

As I write this letter, I am on board the launch pod. And as you are reading this, I will have landed on the planet’s surface. Well, hopefully: this pod is awfully slow. It is a shame that we did not use the latest model, but I understand your hesitance to use it.

All this time alone gives one time to think. You are an excellent captain, Swifiohehe, and I hope you have no doubts about that whatsoever. Remember the good old days - just you, me, and Kleklejuh? I treasure them fondly, and I hope you do too.

Anyway, I’ll get back to you once I’ve made significant progress.

Sincerely, your friend,

Gjeitojeito

P.S. While I’m feeling nostalgic, send Kleklejuh my regards! I hear he’s doing well for himself, but I do wish he would check in every now and then.

Addressing Captain Swifiohehe,

This planet is easy to fool.

I have infiltrated the planet with little trouble. The disguise is doing incredible work; please, send the fine and intelligent workers who designed this little miracle my highest praise! I have found myself in the company of the unassuming locals. Why, it took little persuasion for them to let me in! They have absolutely no guard at all. To be honest, I am skeptical how such a race with simple minds can be of any use to the UIF. Not that I am in doubt of your wise leadership, sir; if you could see for yourself, they might not be of much use to us. I shall investigate further.

Sincerely, your associate,

Gjeitojeito

Addressing Captain Swifiohehe,

I am beginning to see why you took such an interest to this kind. They may not think much of the bigger picture, but they are hard-working and easy to manipulate. Why, they are being exploited by each other all the time! You should hear the things the talking boxes say about us (in case you didn’t know, these talking boxes are the equivalent to our WVDs, but smaller and nowhere near as freeing in experience).

Dare I say it, but Captain; despite it all, I am beginning to enjoy the company of these folk. I’ll try and complete my mission before I get, dare I say it, too sentimental.

Sincerely, your associate,

Gjeitojeito

P.S. I forgot to thank you for arranging all the things about Ypirw! It was very kind of you. I’m glad that we can still call each other old friends, even after all that has happened.

Addressing Captain Swifiohehe,

My deepest apologies for the late reply. I did not mean to cause you much concern, but I have been hard at work gathering intel. Did you know they don’t have VAPs here? Crazy, right! But trust me, they have something much better. There are many different types, but the whole selection is known as ffooode food. It’s a lot slower to make, but my goodness, it is worth the wait!

I am picking up on their language too. I was talking about the prospect of joining the UIF to one specimen, and he replied with “Kool.” “Cool.” What a strange affirmative! I cannot hide my pleasure for this place, Swifiohehe. You really should’ve sent me sooner!

Sincerely, your associate,

Gjeitojeito

Captain Swiffy,

To be honest, I am hurt. I could understand that my pleasure could be interpreted as losing sight of the task at hand, but really? To attack my professionalism, I feel, is a bit of backhanded move considering my years of hardworking service to you. I don’t care if you’re my captain, you should know this!

Maybe you should have sent Kleklejuh instead of me. I always knew you liked him more. He was always better at me at everything, and he still is. I do not need to be reminded of my own inferiority.

Sincerely, your loyal friend, and trusted associate (must I remind you?),

Gjeitojeito

Addressing Captain Swifiohehe,

Before I begin, I would formally like to apologise to acting out of turn in my last letter to you.

Things have been rough for me. And believe me, it is not the locals’ fault! On the contrary, they have been nothing but kind ever since I showed up on their doorstep.

And that what has been causing me trouble. I have read your latest reply over and over again, and thought it all through in my mind.

I just don’t think this planet should join the UIF. As I stated before, I just don’t think they’re capable.

Gjeitojeito

Dear Captain,

I am aware that responding to you so late is an unprofessional move.

I got rid of the disguise long ago. Thing were … awkward for a while, but they’ve eventually gotten over it. You may have seen me on the news, haha. It’s not my fault the talking boxes like me.

To be honest, I didn’t really want to write this. I knew you’d be angry, and I knew you would’ve gotten the message anyway. But these locals my family insisted that I give you the confirmation you deserve.

I’m staying here on Earth.

I’ve already disclosed a will that shall leave all of my things to my cleaner, Mnumbo. It’s the least I could do for his dutiful years of service to me, and I also know he loves dear little Ypirw.

Don’t think it pains me to say goodbye to you all, because really, it does. I will carry your memory in my heart always, Swifiohehe.

Writing off, old friend,

Gjeitojeito