Sample revisions for a story on Nike’s “About Us” webpage.

These two sentences should compel visitors to learn more about Cande’s story. As written here, they were adequate but would benefit from revision.

This long sentence is burdened by all the information it’s carrying. Many punctuation marks are used in an attempt to organize the chaos, but the result still lacks clarity.

This sentence is also weakened by its verbs. 

Controlling our verbs and tenses will make a tighter, more compelling sentence.

We’ve cut the number of words in half and punctuation marks are down from 5 to 2. The result should be a stronger sentence that still holds the same essential information as the original.